


Malec’s Guide to Surviving British Girl School

by Queenie18



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Female Alec Lightwood, Female Magnus Bane, Fluff and Humor, Genderbend, Mundane Alec Lightwood, Mundane Magnus Bane, Mundane Magnus Bane/Mundane Alec Lightwood, Mutual Pining, Pining, Secret Crush, This is just me projecting all my feelings about school, and Malec so, attempted humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26615095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenie18/pseuds/Queenie18
Summary: When two girls are completely oblivious to their crushes on one another, someone has to break.Serious gay panic ahead.A crack fic taken seriously with way too many British school references.
Relationships: Isabelle Lightwood/Meliorn (mentioned), Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland (Mentioned)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	Malec’s Guide to Surviving British Girl School

**Author's Note:**

> *100% accuracy for a British girls school, fresh straight from the source*

There’s four things one needs to know before attending Idris High.

  1. If one attends the private school, she must be talented in one form of sport, preferably lacrosse, or one is declared a social outcast.
  2. The bathroom right outside the language block is best to be avoided unless you want to smell like something dead for the rest of the day.
  3. Gossip is the best past time. Especially if about someone you know. The juicer, the better.
  4. Magna Bane is queen bee of the school. The Year 7s know it. The Sixth Form knows it. Even the teachers know it.



Magna is in the year above Alex. Takes Chemistry, Biology, Maths and Drama. She’s smart. She’s beautiful. And she somehow manages to break all the dress codes in Sixth Form without actually breaking any of them.

_Oh_ , and she’s Head Girl.

And Alex has a huge, fat, ugly crush on her.

Which, she suspects, is not an uncommon thing. She guesses even the straight students here have some sort of crush on her. It’s impossible not to.

So yeah, Alex likes her. A lot. Really too much. It’s quite creepy, if she’s honest. But like, she can’t help herself. Not when Magna wears eyeliner like a goddess and she flicks her just so when presenting assemblies on Monday mornings.

(It’s the only thing that makes Alex look forward to them.)

Alex is currently huddled in the shared Sixth Form common room, sitting in one of the back sofas where the Year 13s tended to avoid. It’s like an unwritten rule. Year 12s had the back, Year 13s took the front.

She’s on her phone to try and avoid social interaction, but she’s not looking at any of the apps.

It’s a neat trick she learnt in Year 10 when trying to avoid Clary Fray who had wanted to be her friend. She had been dating Alex’s brother, and she talked too much. Instant no.

Jace dumped her sorry ass a year later and is happily dating her best friend, which brings Alex far too much pleasure to see. Even if Simon and Jace are disgustingly cute.

So, right, she’s trying to make eye contact with anyone.

“Hey, Alex.” A perky voice calls. “Have you heard?”

Alex groans out loud. Apparently she sucks at avoiding gossip, or people in general.

She looks up at Aline. Aline is possibly the only one Alex would consider a friend outside of her family. She’s a distant cousin, or at least that’s what their family says. Alex thinks it’s because their families are close, not because they’re blood related.

Alex is already regretting everything when she replies, “What?”

Aline grins a smug look and flops down next to Alex, “I’ve heard Magna has broken up with Camille.”

As much as Alex will firmly deny it, she straightens up at that. As one of the few openly LGBTQ+ students in Idris, Camille and Magna have been an on and off thing since Magna was in Year 10, and Camille in Year 9. If Alex loves Magna (she doesn’t, it’s hypothetical), then she despises Camille.

She’s pretty, sure. But Camille has a shark grin and personality like a solid block of ice. The amount of times she’s been seen with other people, even when Magna was with her is astronomical.

She’s a bitch, in simple terms.

Alex doesn’t get what Magna sees in her. It’s not a jealously thing. Alex knows Magna would never notice her, or want her. She’s awkward, wears zero makeup and doesn’t understand fashion.

Her only real passions are reading and archery. Neither of which are popular material.

“It’s not like that’s unusual, Aline.” Alex says, bored. She sends her cousin a flat look. “They break up, like, every other month.”

“But it’s different this time.” Aline insists, tossing off her blazer.

Alex grimaces, knowing she’s going to regret asking but she’s a girl at heart. They’re secretly addicted to gossip, “How?”

Aline grins like a cat that’s got the cream. She shuffles back and leans back on the sofa next to Alex, rolling her head on the back.

“I wasn’t there but Helen says that Magna smacked her across the face, accusing Camille of being a racist, I don’t really know, but it was bad. Really bad.”

Alex hums in agreement. It sounds bad, and she’s not really surprised. She only hopes Magna actually stays away this time. She deserves so much better.

“Is she in trouble?” Alex asks, kicking off her shoes. If anyone complains, she’ll shove her feet in their face. Most of the girl’s in the Sixth Form are slobs anyways. The sofas are never clean.

“Nah, don’t think so.”

Alex nods and picks up her phone again, ready to start scrolling absentmindedly again. It’s a great waste of time. And there’s only three minutes of break left. Not enough time to do anything productive.

“So?” Aline drawls then stares at Alex with an expectant look on her face.

“What?” Alex says.

Her cousin lets a dangerous smirk dance on her lips, “Aren’t you going to...”

“Aren’t I going to what?” Alex continues, frowning at the devious look on Aline’s face. She knows that look. It’s the look Izzy has when she does something Alex is going to hate.

It’s frankly quite creepy how similar they are.

Aline’s eyes glisten in mirth, “Aren’t you going to ask her out?”

Alex blanches then blushes furiously, choking on her spit.

_No. Nope. Nada. Never._

“No.” Alex warns, pointing a finger at Aline. “ _No_.”

“Aww, come on!” Aline protests with a pout, “Anyone can see that you both have a crush on each other!”

“I think you mean it’s obvious that I have a crush on her.” Alex whispers under her breath.

“Bullshit.” Aline retorts, because somehow she has the ears of a wolf.

Alex rolls her eyes and doesn’t reply.

“She literally sends you heart eyes, Alex, behind your back.” Aline says passionately. “Like, _literal_ heart eyes. It would be comical, if it wasn’t so adorable.”

“I think you’re projecting your fantasies on the poor girl.” Alex snarks.

Aline groans in long suffering, “Hopeless. You’re hopeless.”

“Thanks.” Alex drawls.

Luckily for her, the bell obnoxiously rings out then. Alex has never picked up her school bag so quickly in her life for English, but she’d rather sit an hour with Mr Aldertree than suffer this conversation. Even if he’s a dick. With a huge ass vendetta against Alex.

If she was honest, it would have something to do with the complaint her mum made about him a year ago about his inappropriate comments to some of the girls. Alex wasn’t entirely sure why the man was still hired, but now he hates her guts.

She can’t say anything about it either, because she needs the man to give her an A* for her predicted grades.

“See you at lunch.” Alex says to Aline, shoving her shoes on.

Aline sends Alex a disappointment glare and stands up too.

“This conversation isn’t over.” Aline says calmly.

Alex grins at her over her shoulder, “Sure it is.”

Alex wasn’t ever going to ask out Magna. She’d rather sit in a cage with a giant house spider. And those things are demons on eight legs.

~*~

Magna pretends she’s not looking at the back of Alexandra, but she’s doing a horrendous job of it.

Technically she has no reason to avoid this persistent crush anymore. She’s single, Head Girl and knows with full authority that Alex is a raging lesbian.

Which, good on her. It’s funny, actually, that the Lightwood family has the reputation of the ‘LGBTQ+ family’ because not a single child is straight. Jace Lightwood is rumoured to be bi, since he’s dating a boy from his school, Alicante Prep, called Simon, but he’s never said anything about his sexuality. Isabelle, going to the same school as Jace, is openly bi even if she’s dating a boy called Meliorn.

And Alexandra? Well Alex is just an angel given human form for Magna to admire day after day.

To be frank, the sight of a wavy ponytail and a toned back dressed in a black loose shirt tucked into an equally dark skirt shouldn’t be a turn on. But Magna has accepted that Alex could simply be walking down the corridor and Magna would find it insanely attractive.

“Stare any harder, will you?”

Magna shuffles her eyes away guilty and smiles weakly at Cat. She pokes at her one pound pasta box and pretends she was absorbed in the sight of watery pasta instead of Alex Lightwood.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Magna says stubbornly.

Cat rolls her eyes, “Don’t be stupid, anyone can see you have a raging crush on Alex. Or that the girl has one on you.”

Magna sticks her tongue out like the mature girl she is. Sue her, she’s suffering trying to revise for A-levels as well as waiting for her acceptance letters to uni. She’s allowed to be childish now and then.

“She doesn’t even look at me.” Magna says, stabbing at a piece of pasta. “I don’t even exist to her.”

Cat sniggers like it’s the funniest joke she’s heard. Magna frowns at her friend and points her fork threateningly at her, pasta still attached at the end.

Magna realises it sounds like she’s whining. But she took one look at the hazel eyed beauty when Alexandra joined in Year 7, her large backpack slugged on her back, and had a sexual awakening. Or, in simpler words, she looked at Alex and realised she may not be completely straight.

And then she tried dating Camille to get over the stupid crush. It hasn’t worked apparently. And Magna refuses to let the human dementor leach any more of her soul away.

(She may be a tad dramatic.)

“You’re joking, right?” Cat questions with a large smile.

Magna pouts at her and shoves her pasta in her mouth as she replies, “No.”

Cat sighs and leans back against the chair she’s sat in, apparently giving up on the Chem homework she’s been attempting to do. The sight makes Magna feel sick. She’s still unsure what went through her mind when she chose to do any of the STEM subjects.

“Listen, I’m going to say this slowly because you’re acting like an idiot.” Cat says and Magna opens her mouth to protest but with a sharp look from her friend, shuts it. “Alex adores you. How do I know that? Because when you turn away, that girl stared at you enough that it starts to come across creepy.” Cat pauses like she’s trying to add some dramatic effect. “And I asked Aline and she’s told me Alex fancies you.”

Magna opens her mouth and shuts it. _Well_.

She isn’t sure how to take that, to be honest. She’s spent so many years trying to deny that Alexandra would ever look at her like that, that the thought she might actually like Magna back is baffling.

She scratches her neck and eyes Alex out of the corner of her eye.

Alex is looking right at her. They make eye contact.

Then the girl’s eyes widen comically and she turns abruptly away, tapping away at her phone like it’s the single most exciting thing she’s ever seen.

_Awww_. It’s adorable.

Magna blinks when she realises what she’s just witnessed.

ALEXANDRA LIGHTWOOD POSSIBLY LIKES HER?

_LIKE, LIKE LIKES HER?_

“ _Oh my god_.” Magna whispers and looks at Cat in excitement. “She actually likes me?”

“Yes, Magna.” Cat repeats like Magna is dumb and incapable of hearing. Which, _rude_? “She clearly likes you.”

Magna pays her no mind. She does a little foot dance and slams her pasta pot down. Screw food, screw chemistry and screw Camille ‘the racist bitch’ Belcourt, she has an Alexandra to woo.

Magna turns to do exactly like, only to find that Alex is gone. Like invisible gone. As if she wasn’t there gone. Did she run away? Did she overhear their conversation? Is she creeped out by Magna?

“Awww.” Magna pouts.

Cat grumbles under her breath and pokes at Magna with her pen. Magna sends her a frustrated glare.

“She has book club right now.” Cat says to reassure her.

Magna perks up. She can work with that. She’ll corner Alex after school, and get her to go on a date. No debates. That doesn’t sound stalkerish, right?

Only-

“Wait,” Magna says, narrowing her eyes. “How do you know she has book club?”

Cat tuts at her and turns back to her homework, scribbling out an equation.

Magna huffs and picks up her pasta again.

After school, she thinks. After school.

~*~

Alex stares at the rain outside and visibly cringes. She can already feel the cold chill dripping down her back, soaking her shirt and leaving her hair a frizzy mess. Curly hair is hard enough to deal with. She doesn’t need this hassle.

“For God’s sake.” Alex hisses under her breath.

Her folders lay heavy in her grip but if Alex is anything, it’s stubborn. She likes to imagine it as a family trait. Spiders, a no go. Stepping out in the heavy downpour of English Autumn, definitely not. Asking Magna out? Hell to the no.

“Alexandra!” A voice cries behind her and Alex’s mouth drops open.

Oh, hell. She’s materialised her crush by thinking about her. This is why you don’t have crushes. No crushes, no awkward encounters for her siblings to laugh about.

But she’s a nice girl (yes, she is despite what Izzy, and Jace, and Simon, and Aline and her mum and her dad say) so she turns around with a tight grin on her face. Just a tad too fake. _Just. A. Tad._

It drops when she sees long glossy hair, dyed with blond streaks that shouldn’t look good but does, smokey eyes and a smirk that could rival supermodels.

She’s not going to survive this. It’s a given thing.

“Magna.” Alex says happily, then realised how stupid she sounds and snaps her mouth shut.

Magna seems unaware, skipping up to Alex and placing her hand on Alex’s shoulder.

Shoulder. Alex’s shoulder.

HER HAND ON HER SHOULDER.

_HAND._

_SHOULDER._

“Are you okay?” Magna says as Alex focuses all her attention on that bloody hand on her unworthy shoulder. Alex is fairly sure this is the greatest moment of her life. Beats the archery trophy she won last year for sure.

“I’m fine.” Alex replies and shuffles her feet, adjusting the frankly heavy folders in her grip. “You?”

Magna smiles brightly, her glossy lips glimmering, “I’m great! I’ve heard some great news today.”

“Oh,” Alex says politely. “Really?”

“Yep.” Magna drawls then her golden eyes flash and Alex’s heart drops. This isn’t good.

“Do you know what I’ve heard?” Magna says slowly, and her grin turns sharp, the musky scent of her perfume drifting across Alex’s senses and numbing her to anything but Magna.

Maybe this isn’t just a crush, after all. _Huh_.

“No?” Alex says, narrowing her eyes at the smug look the older girl was sending her.

Magna laughs and dusts her hands down her purple blazer, dark nails perfectly polished on her moisturised hands. Maya be Alex should have taken Izzy up on her offer to get their nails done together. Her bitten nails seem to think so.

“My darling Catarina told me that the girl I have a huge crush on may like me back.” Magna says vaguely, looking up under long lashes. “Isn’t that great.”

Alex is fairly sure her heart may shatter like tiny glass pieces or it’s about to explode. It hasn’t decided yet.

She cannot dare to hope that what she’s thinking is true.

“It’s great.” Alex replies and smiles softly at Magna. Yep, definitely not just a crush. She doesn’t smile unintentionally, not ever. She has the greatest RBF. “What are you going to about it?”

Magna shoots Alex a pleased look though Alex doesn’t know what for.

“Great question, I think I’ll start with her number and end up with a date. Sounds like a good plan, right?”

Alex nods numbly. Great plan. She wishes it is for her.

“Right.” Magna clears her throat then holds out her hand in expectance. Alex looks down at the smooth palm and resists the urge to trail her fingers through the skin to see if it was as soft as it looked.

Too creepy, she decides.

Alex raises an eyebrow at Magna and flushes darkly when the girl steps forward, golden eyes flashing like a cat’s.

“Well?” Magna coos.

Alex coughs, “What?”

Magna sniggers, and bats her eyelashes, “aren’t you going to give me your number?”

Alex opens her mouth then shuts it then opens it again.

Oh.

_Oh._

_Ohhhhhhhh._

OH MY GOD.

Alex flushes and she stutters like a fish is stuck in her throat. It’s possible. “Wait... me?”

Magna stares at her with an unfamiliar affection. “Yes, you, darling.”

“Oh.” Alex whispers softly.

She adjusts her folders to one arm and blushes harder than she ever has before. Her heart feels as though it’s going to start a crescendo, a whole orchestra. Alex is fairly sure she’s dreaming. She’s never felt so embarrassed, and happy and shocked.

She pulls out her phone from her blazer pocket and opens it and hands the device to Magna’s outstretched hand with a large grin. She feels the skin crinkle with it.

Magna looks at her with this strange reverence, her eyes darting across Alex’s face like she’s memorising it like she does with a chemistry equation. Then she shakes her head, black and blond hair pooling across her face as she adds her number to Alex’s contract.

She adds an unnecessary amount of emojis and Alex swears to never change it.

Magna texts herself something then she hands Alex’s phone back to her, their fingers brushing as they do so. Sparks like electricity spread like warm honey through Alex.

If this is a dream, never wake her up.

“I’ll text you tonight.” Magna says lightly, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “How’s Saturday?”

“Perfect.” Alex says immediately, the words rushing out. “It’s perfect, just perfect.”

Magna smiles at her, “Indeed.”

And then to make sure Alex goes to an early grave, she leans up on her tiptoes and kisses Alex’s cheek, leaving behind a tacky layer of lipgloss.

Alex drops her mouth open and raises her hand in awe.

“See you tomorrow Alexandra.” Magna promises and then she’s out of the door, all glitter and bright colours and lovely promises.

Alex doesn’t move for awhile.

She would gladly take Mr Aldertree’s rude comments, the horrible school dinners and awkward encounters with the cocky Year 7s for this moment again and again.

Magna Bane likes her back. Magna has her number. Magna and Alex are going on a date.

The rain has stopped when Alex goes outside.

Five years later, Alex feels the same, only with the new weight of a ring on her finger and the gentle loving smile of her fiancé in her view as they stand by their old school, where they first got together.

**Author's Note:**

> I should be focusing on my many pending fics. But no. I’m instead writing a semi rant fan fiction with my many woes of Sixth Form crammed in. Try being an LGBTQ+ student in an all girls school. Not easy.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it anyways! Will try to get back to my other fics now :)


End file.
